Got any jokes ??
E-mail them to me and I'll stick them on the board ........ but remember we are a family club !!
Letter to my husband.
Darling,
Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake! The
garage door is kinda damaged but fortunately the pick up came to a halt
when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
(picture of accident in Photo Gallery titled "husband")
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are at an event together.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play,it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green
or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
”But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££
READ THIS FIRST & THEN LOOK AT THE PICTURE IN THE PHOTO GALLERY TITLED "WIFE"
Some of you may know my ex-wife. She had started taking flying
lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license
shortly before our divorce was final,later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she
was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Essex
(that's in England for the Yanks) because of bad weather. Some could call it a crash; an accident at the least.
CAA Board officials have issued a preliminary determination citing
pilot error as the main contribution to the accident, she was flying a
single engine aircraft (a basic model, at best) in IFR instrument flight rating conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel
on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was very lucky.
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The type of thing I’d like to do when I retire
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in the High Street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi b***ard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a complete & utter a***hole.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t give a toss. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age.
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THE FOLLOWING QUESTION AND ANSWERS WERE COLLECTED FOR LAST YEARS GCSE EXAM RESULTS IN SWINDON. THESE ARE GENUINE RESPONSES (16 YEAR OLDS)
GEOGRAPHY
Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard And Vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A Body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. all water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels a,e,i,o,u
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "caesarean section"?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
ENGLISH
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can feel soft as your face.
Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an arab or sikh wears on his head.
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